Finding my place again

It's been quite a long time since I last posted something on this blog.
The reasons, and quite possibly the excuses, are many: the studies that were culminating in the last semester, work, lack of an ongoing choreographic project...
Yet, the lack of posts does not represent the lack of inspiration. I thought about this blog very often, but I felt like I needed to have more time available to myself in order to fully be able to focus on it.

Having very recently moved to another country and staring a brand new chapter in my life makes me feel that now I am free from all the reasons/excuses and through this change I am finding the focus that I was seeking all along.
I'm finding myself feeling free of many of the things/thoughts that were holding me back.
I'm starting to find my place again in the world in the midst of this amazing transformation that is happening right now in my life.

But before I move on into my future plans regarding choreography, contemporary dance, and artistic practice, I must first reminisce of my work and practice so far.
I want to dive into the process I was into in last year's Kinitiras Choreography Lab and finish my documentation of the whole process and the work derived from it - [hjärtslag] - and then do the same for Viento Perdido, and the most recent process in this year's Lab - Plasticscape(s). 

As close as it can get [almost]

Do you about that feeling that starts gathering in your body while a work moves into the production phase and when everything stop being just about the movement?
When other elements start coming into play, such as, staging, lighting, music, performance clothes, etc.?
Well, this moment has arrived for Viento Perdido and we are not less than two weeks away from the performance evening.

Being responsible for almost everything that has to do with your piece and the performance of the piece to an audience is very unique experience.
You've passed the first stage where you were only a dancer/performer and all other decision depended on other people and you move to the place were you were also responsible for the creation of the movement; the responsibility of the choreographer.
And then you've passed that stage too, and started assuming all kinds of different roles and responsibilities relevant to the elements mentioned above.
Going through all of these stages definitely makes me more stressed because I want everything to work out as planned, but it also makes me feel more mature and that I have grown immensely compared to who I was a few months ago.

Working on every new piece kind of makes me feel this way simply because that is the reality of life. You start creating something new, you put all your effort in, your committ to it, and you end being just one more step ahead of yourself than who you were when you began this new adventure. This might sound confusing - or I may have just written it in a confusing way! - but this entire process carries great meaning. That is how we proceed in life; we create, we learn, we struggle, we exhaust ourselves, we envigor ourselves. In the end, we try to become better that who we were yesterday and feel proud of our achievements and creations.


As we are about to hit the studio hard this coming week, as it is the week before the performance week, I cannot help but fall into a duality of feelings and mindset. I am stressed, in a good way, and I am so excited at the same time.
Every experience is a new experience and I just want to make the most out of it - as a dancer/performer, a choreographer, and all these new roles that have come up my way.

  

       

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Not just one body anymore

Up until the moment I started thinking about what I wanted to do for a choreographic proposal back in September I have been alone, so to speak. 

I stood alone in my creative and choreographic thoughts...I stood alone in rehearsal for pieces of mine...I stood alone on the performance space. 

But, the moment I decided to start writing my proposal for PCDP (Professional Choreographic Development Project) I knew that I wanted to work with more than one bodies in space. 

This was the challenge I wanted to take up. 

However, until fairly recently the process had to begin with me being alone in mind and space to extend the choreographic intention and allow it to acquire form in body movement. Not as a rigid and strict structure, but as a framework within which I wanted to place all the bodies and evolve from that point onwards. 

Before getting into the studio with the rest of the dancers, I did not know what to expect; neither from them nor myself! Yet, this sense of unexpectedness is what I find appealing in art and, more specifically, in dance. I don't like the movement to be anticipated by anyone, not even myself. I just throw in my ideas, concepts, thoughts, intentions and impulses and start building up from them and from the dancers. I see, observe and listen. The way the same concept or idea might be perceived and interpreted by a different mind and body is just mindblowing. It reaffirms the uniqueness each individual carries with her/him. And the movement that is created then is coming truly from the inside out. It almost like the concept in the film Inception: you 'plant' a thought, a seed, that starts growing and you have the opportunity to witness that growth and translation into movement. 

Personally, I am a firm believer and supporter of each dancer's unique qay of movement and perception and I really enjoy researching and working on the different perceptions of ideas and interpretations on the movenent. This way, no two dancers can be and look the same, feel the same, and perform the same.

And although, I do want to throw in moments of unison and accumulation and mix up my pieces, I want to show what distinguishes us from one another in terms of movement. No two bodies are the same as no two minds are alike. I can't of you to do exactly as I do as you cannot ask that of me. Obviously, we do see that a lot in dance where there are numerous choreographers who want their dancers to be what they ahve envisioned them to be. But this does not necessarily mean that they can be like that or that their bodies can extend to that imagination. In my mind, I see a constant dialogue between the choreographer and the dancer. There has to be communication between these two entities because otherwise you might lose the essence of what body movement is all about. 

Based on these thoughts I am proceeding now in unraveling the layers of not one, but three bodies, and then attempt to tie them together. 

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REbirth

"In my beginning is my end. In succesion

Houses rise and fall, crumble, are extended, 

Are removed, destroyed, restored, or in their place

Is an open field, or a factory, or a by-pass. 

Old stone to new building, old timber to new fires, 

Old fires to ashes, and ashes to the earth." - T.S.Eliot 

As this is a period of many new beginnings - new year, new semester, new plans, etc. - including starting to dance and create body movement after a while I stand almost in awe by how many new beginning we really do get in life. 

And I don't mean the new year. 

We do get a new beginning every day we wake up; it's a brand new day and does not necessarily need to be condemned by the decisions made in the previous one. 

Of course, all of our decisions have consequences - both positive and negative - but we do get to start fresh every day in the sense that we can accept that we made such and such decisions that resulted in such and such consequences and move forward with our lives. 

Life is not static as our body is not static. 

We constantly move. We move even in our sleep because if our internal organs were to shut we would be lifeless and, only then, 100% motionless. 

And if we condemn ourselves into a static life - Emotionless - then we would break the cycle of movement of nature. 

There is nothing standing still in nature and we are part of it. Life goes in cycles, with its ups and downs, with creation and destruction. The same goes for movement. As a choreographer I create movement that I can destroyed or allow it to be destroyed internally any time I chose (or not) to do so. But this does not mean that the movement created has no meaning. Both its beginning and end have a meaning and they are tied together. A new beginning can be found in an ending and and ending can come right through a beginning. As with many other things in this world, one cannot exist without the other. 

All stories - novels, fairytales, poems, films, music pieces, dance pieces, etc. - have a beginning, most likely a middle, and definately and end. This is the natural course of things and there is always a disturbance when this flow is interrupted. For only through an ending can a new beginning arise. For without the ending the beginning would start and continue forever without any suspence or reason for existing. It would be static, eternal and flat. 

The "destruction" that brings about an ending to something is essential in order to REbirth to occur. 

All these new beginning are REbirths that have risen through every single ending that we have previously experienced. 

nothing is permanent in this world. everything moves in cycles. this is REbirth.

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wholeHEARTedly

The definition found online at the free dictionary defines [wholeheartedly] as:

marked by unconditional commitment, unstinting devotion, or unreserved enthusiasm. 

Up until now I have been feeling stuck [in between] two places (of mind). Feeling somewhat obliged to follow two paths just for the sake of it. 

I cannot even begin to describe how much this has made me feel, so I guess the word stuck is the best be assigned to this situation. 

Do you know how sometimes you really do know what you want to pursue but for fear of failure you try to have a back up plan just in case? 

Well, this is exactly what I 've been going through for the past few months and although a while back I had made the wise decision to cut my fear loose, I took a step back and found myself right where I started. But this was not ok. I've been tormented by this dilemma and the feeling of being stuck in one place for some time now and seeing as time is running out and the new year is here demanding some serious resolutions, I finally made the right decision (again!) - with the help of and advice from a very dear friend. 

As of today I am cutting loose whatever was holding me back and I will pursue my one and only goal [wholeHEARTedly] no matter what this is going to bring about. 

Hence, the title [wholeheartedly]!

Focus is key and there is no other apart from focusing on what you want to achieve, focusing on the desires of you heart and not letting yourself be carried away by unimportant and trivial things, such as fear of failure. You must go after what you want WHOLEHEARTEDLY!!!

And what an marvellous word this is! You utter it and your mouth becomes full of the word and full of the meaning of it all.

"Wholeheartedly,

full soul, flesh and bone, 

distractions aside, 

I move forward chasing my dreams.

To the real and to the unreal, 

to the known and to the unknown. 

Chasing away my fears and inhibitions. 

There is no turning back. 

I am all in."

Finding a word to describe today's decision struck an inspiration chord.
I have made yet another decision which is to try to come up with a word each day of 2014. A word that suits the feelings of the day, describes the day, or sums up myself for the day.
Any why not try to write a "poem" for that word? Just like the one above.
So, let's just wait and see how this goes!

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Question upon Question

For many of us, myself fanatically included, the only way to discover the truth about something and to gain further knowledge is simply to start asking questions. Questions that will gradually lead deeper and deeper into the subject matter and result into an explanation or a truth. Not to be confused with an absolute explanation or truth - personally I do not believe in [absolutism] of any kind - questions enhance our personal understanding and provide a unique perspective (our own explanation or truth on a certain matter or idea). 

Some may call the process of posing questions in order to uncover or go deeper into something the process of critical thinking. And, in my opinion, this is precisely what it is and as such it can be adapted to any kind fo daily mental situation - whenever we are using our brains that is! 

Many, myself included at times, often wonder how many people out there are not actually using the method of questioning and the implications this may have for society in general. Just think about it for a second: if more and more people stop asking questions then we are also going to stop finding answers (our answers). To me this is utterly catastrophic because it would feel like being thrown out to the unknown (life) without a map. Our guiding light, our cognitive map, is based on our ability to critically analyse every thought and situation and without it we would be lost in chaos, left out to be "guided" by anyone manipulative enough to take advantage of our disadvantage...and unfortunately there are many people like that out there. 

Yet, apart from the grave societal implications something like this can have - and we do see it grow nowadays - there is also the more personal part. Giving up on asking questions stalls our personal growth. How can you expect to go to a different and higher level of cosciousness if you don't go through the process of questioning (yourself first and foremost)? 

And I don't mean having self-doubt and low self-confidence. But by asking questions to yourself and then to others about something you are thinking, you can only become stronger. Either by having your idea reinforced or by listening to other viewpoints and deciding to reject it. This is where true human power lies. We have the ability to choose what we keep and what we throw out of our brains and this is entirely our responsibility. One that we must not give to other people and allow ourselves to be driven by any current. 

However, this is a painful process and should not be taken lightly. The more questions you ask, the deeper you immerse yourself into a clearer consciousness and aspects of the truth that might lead you in a "dark" place. The are so many things that are off about this world of ours that the more you ask and the more your uncover about it, the farther away you become from "eternal sunshine." 

And this is where the dilemma can arise; why not go about your business and live without asking too much questions, if at all, and just be happy? In my mind, I sometimes think of people who don't bother too much about asking questions to be leading much simpler lives than those who do. I do not mean to sound condecending or anything of that sort. In fact, I often do wonder if trading for a less tormented string of thoughts would be the better choice and, perhaps, the healthier choice. Yet, no matter how many times this crosses my mind, I immediately reject. Perhaps, it would be easier and we would be much happier. But then again, this would feel like living inside a huge bubble because the questions would still remain - outside of us -, the world would continue its course and we'd be left behind without getting any wiser. Without ever reaching another level of self-consciousness and evolving. 

Sure, you can choose to do many things in your life, especially nowadays, that don't seem complicated but what is the value in that? Everything else apart from our minds can be taken away from us just as easily as it has been earned or granted. So, why give up the only thing that is truly and will ever be ours? 

This is a fight we cannot afford to lose for the sake of ourselves. 

The process of questions can be universally applied to any aspect, but I choose to continue by discussing their value in terms of contemporary choreography and dance. 

To me, choreography and dancing must have and transmit meaning because they are a form of communication. An extremely strong form of communication since they involve body language which can be understood by any person on this planet - perhaps even another planet! - regardless of nationality, age, gender, etc. 

The lack of meaning found in some choreographies is just astonishing. You only see bodies performing - acting rather - movement upon movement. And although this might be beautiful to look at it and extremely difficult to do, it does not provide any mental stimulus to the choreographer, the dancers, and the audience. 

I've spoken about the [choreographic intention/impulse] many times before and I think this is the root of the issue. It all starts with that moment that the mind ignites and receives the inspiration. 

Yet, how you proceed with that inspiration is of equal, if not of greater, importance. Personally, I find the dialectic method to be the most valuable tool a choreographer can have in his/her toolbox. This will propel the intenetion forward, it will unblock you whenever you just can't move forward and will definately drive you deeper into the intention so it can be transformed into a communicable message. 

So, why choose to have it easy? In life in general and in choreography. 

The suffering that can come from too much thinking and too many questions and their results is a cost but it is balanced out by the rewards you can get. Reaching a point where you can say that you have gotten to know parts of youself and the world rather well is a huge accomplishment. One that must not go unnoticed. One that must not be given up because it is our fundamental right and ability even though some are trying to take that away from us...

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